Feature: Deaf Locust Decodes ‘Kakorrhaphiophobia’
Punk Head: The word Kakorrhaphiophobia literally means the fear of failure. Why did you choose that as the title of your debut EP and what does that fear mean to you now after returning from a decade-long creative silence?
Deaf Locust: I've always been plagued by inner demons that lead to self-sabotage and missed opportunities. Even though I believed in what I was doing prior to Kakorrhaphiophobia, I was in constant fear of rejection and failure. At the same time I was terrified of success as well. There are so many unknown factors when putting yourself out there as an artist and I couldn't stand the fact that some things were just out of my control. For the longest time I was also very uncomfortable being seen in a vulnerable, sober state, especially publicly. I always ended up holding myself back in one way or another due to fear.
My last release as The Ciem Show in 2010 was very personal to me. I put everything I had into it. Once production was getting close to an end, I had a nervous breakdown and my sense of self became a bit fractured. Then I started to become numb to my emotions and slowly lost my creative intuition which is what lead to my decade-plus hiatus. The album art for Kakorrhaphiophobia was chosen specifically to represent the stagnant mental state I was in for years. I would just sit around with my cat, mindlessly watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts, chain smoke and drink vodka all night.
When inspiration finally returned in 2022 I was at a point in my life where I wanted to start letting go of my inhibitions. I made the decision not to let fear hold me back anymore. There is still massive anxiety anytime I share my work, even when it's just a social media clip. It's not all encompassing, crippling fear though. It's more like being nervous before going on stage.
Punk Head: You’ve said this chapter leans more on emotional resonance than technical spectacle. Was that a conscious rebellion against your prog-metal past, or just where life led you?
Deaf Locust: It took about 7 years to put together The Ciem Show album "Lifelike Scenes" though I had envisioned it long before the writing process even began. I wanted to create something unique that incorporated all of my eclectic tastes. There was also an obsession with making the most complicated thing I was capable of, done in a way that sounded alien yet accessible. Conceptually, I wanted to present it as more of an experimental piece of art rather than an album.
In a way it was actually kind of a rebellion against both metal and conventional music. At the time, I was simultaneously playing in death and black metal bands, which I enjoyed doing but in my heart I had something very different I needed to express that was more aligned with my true artistic identity.
After the album was released, I tried to continue writing in the same style many times but it never felt right. It started to become irritating to be honest. The whole process of creating "Lifelike Scenes" was so meticulous and slow. It took forever to figure out how to fit all the pieces together. I thought it would never end.
What I didn't realize at the time was that my approach to composition was completely backwards. I had orchestrated all of these highly technical arrangements before there was even a "song". Almost everything was based off of complex rhythmic patterns inspired by Meshuggah. When it came time to add vocals and lyrics I was tasked with integrating something catchy and emotional with music that often had no real tonal center and constantly changing time signatures. It sometimes felt impossible but eventually I made it work in a way that didn't sound forced.
Due to circumstances surrounding my artistic re-awakening, I become open to being more vulnerable and living in the moment. This inspired me to develop a new approach to song writing. Everything I write now starts simple which is completely opposite of the way I did things before. It just makes more sense for me and allows me to create more freely. I get things done a lot quicker now too.
I'll have a catchy vocal melody or theme which creates a certain feeling. That feeling guides me towards a specific atmosphere I want to capture. Once there is a basic structure of a song, everything else is built around that. Things can then either become complex or be more straight forward depending on what the song needs. Some of the stuff I have planned for the future definitely gets a bit more proggy but that's because it is needed to enhance certain songs.
I also should mention that I attribute much of this newly discovered approach to song writing to my intense admiration for Peter Hammill from the Prog Rock band Van Der Graaf Generator. Hammill has a very special way of creating emotionally intense, intelligent pieces of music that resonates with me on such a deep level. Listening extensively to his work and learning many of his songs over the years definitely had a huge impact on the way I currently do things.
Punk Head: The EP moves from alternative rock to doo-wop to post-metal — genres most artists wouldn’t dare combine. What moment or experience reignited the creative spark for you to step back into music making?
Deaf Locust: Unfortunately, it was a very dark moment in my life that reconnected me to music.
I adopted a senior tuxedo cat named Max in 2015. No one else wanted him at the shelter because of certain behavioral issues. We were both defective in different ways and had a very strong bond with each other. He meant everything to me. We were inseparable.
One night in 2022, he became violently ill out of nowhere and had to be put down the next day. My entire world was turned upside down and I didn't know how to cope with such a profound loss. I was flooded with all of these intense emotions that I didn't even know I still had.
Then, after years of barely ever picking up an instrument, I started playing acoustic guitar again and immediately found a way to process what I was feeling in a productive way. I arranged my own stripped down version of the song Gloomy Sunday based off of a Diamanda Galas performance. For those unfamiliar with the song, it is known as the Hungarian Suicide Song because it was allegedly linked to a number of suicides in the 1930s due to its dark lyrics about death and despair.
I ended up filming myself performing the song with just an acoustic guitar and my voice. It was done in one raw take, then I uploaded it to YouTube and shared it. This is something I never did before. Like I said earlier, I was always very uncomfortable being vulnerable publicly but I was finally able to break free of that fear. Getting hit with such a harsh, heart-breaking dose of reality really has a way of putting things into perspective.
I got a positive response from that video and also had a lot of people reaching out who knew what I was going through. Going forward I wanted to write music that focused more on emotional impact and atmospheric energy.
Punk Head: You describe Deaf Locust as “artfully entangled earworms” — I love that phrase. Do you approach songwriting like a puzzle, a painting, or something more instinctual?
Deaf Locust: While composing, I have always seen my music as a movie playing in my head. I am inspired by film and that undoubtably plays a huge role in my arrangements and how I structure my music. I like things to flow in a way that is always moving forward and I tend to integrate different elements that aren't genre specific. In cinematic terms, I see each element as a character playing a particular role. I don't place random characters or plot lines into the story just for the hell of it. Every element must serve a specific purpose to form a complete picture that is cohesive. The experience must also be memorable.
The writing process is instinctual for me as well. I follow inspiration where ever it takes me but I also trust myself enough now to make confident decisions based on intuition. I don't always know where a particular piece of music will end up in the beginning. I have such a wide range of influences but I am not thinking about that in the moment. Everything I have absorbed throughout my life comes out in ways I don't expect at times, especially once I have a basic foundation for a song and I am working on expanding on it.
In the past I definitely had to put things together like a puzzle because I composed in such a fragmented way but still saw what I was doing cinematically. I would say having been a fan of David Lynch for most of my life probably has a lot to do with the way I "see" music. One of my earliest memories is watching the scene in "Dune" where Kyle MacLachlan rides the sandworm. I remember pedaling around the TV room on a tricycle for some reason, then suddenly stopping, completely mesmerized by what was happening on the screen.
Punk Head: The description mentions nostalgia disguised beneath a forward-moving current. What part of your past are you still in conversation with creatively?
Deaf Locust: I often use memories and things that remind me of the past as a muse when I am creating. There is great comfort in mentally escaping from the overbearing nature of modernity through music. I was fortunate to have experienced childhood pre-internet and pre-social media. Things were much simpler back then and felt more real and in the moment. Everything now is moving at such a fast rate and technology is constantly changing. Keeping up is insanely difficult for someone like me. I prefer to take my time with things and let the creative process unfold naturally. It is important for me to present quality work with substance and genuine emotion. You can't force something like that. At the same time, you can't take 13 years to make an album or people will forget about you, unless you are Tool.
In the early days of the inter-webs, there was very little information about anything and not everyone had access. This was around the time I was getting into bands like Meshuggah, At The Gates, Slayer, and Carcass at 12 years old after discovering 89.5 WSOU. (Seton Hall NJ's Pirate Radio). I was making death metal mix tapes for people and trying to find kids my own age who were into the same music and who I could jam with.
I eventually formed a "metal alliance" with someone from another school named Shawn Eldridge. We played in death and black metal bands together throughout high school. He was there for the entire creative process of The Ciem Show and played drums on the "Lifelike Scenes" album. Shawn also appears on the song "Running Away" from Kakorrhaphiophobia. We are still very close friends today and he will be featured on most of the songs I am putting together for a full length album as well as another EP or two.
I still feel a connection to the extreme metal bands I grew up listening to and it shows up in my work sometimes but only in a subtle way. There are a few bands like that who still influence me in a major way like Meshuggah and Mayhem. Meshuggah in particular was a life changing band for me. When I started to get more of a grasp on what they were doing musically, it is actually what made me want to explore other genres like prog, classical, and experimental music. I still get excited and inspired by every new album they put out.
As for Mayhem, the albums they released when Rune Eriksen (Blasphemer) was the song writer are ingrained in my DNA at this point. His approach to guitar playing and composition is very inventive and classy in my opinion and the atmospheric tension he creates is so intense. I still follow his work as well.
