Paul Jarmer Is Writing His Way Through the Question of What Comes After Grief
Punk Head: “Stay” is built around the impossibility of asking for more time. Did you know what you were really asking for when you wrote it?
Paul Jarmer: I was asking for the last member of my immediate family to not leave me. Or, at least wait a bit longer. I was adopted at birth, and I guess I’m back to being an orphan, lol. It’s not that deep. But, I have no kids, so there is no one coming up behind me to see me through. There is no one filling up the gaps left by passing family members.
Punk Head: You have a line of thought running through the song about wishing you had stayed longer or called more often. How do you tell the difference between grief and guilt?
Paul Jarmer: I feel like guilt is looking back with knowledge you now have that you didn’t have at the time. Thats just not fair. Guilt is unfair and just makes you feel like an a-hole. Grief feels like your own personal punishment, how long should you grieve, how invasive should this process be. Is it disrespectful that I return to work the next day or do I sort of stop living for the next few months or years, should I get back on drugs, etc.
Punk Head: Your mother appears in the song not just as someone you lost, but as someone who stayed present through some of the hardest years of your life. Did writing about her change your understanding of what she gave you?
Paul Jarmer: Writing about her solidified what part she played in my life and what parts of her spirit she made sure I held onto. it’s hard to not to see her as some sort of savior.
Punk Head: You used to let the music lead and bring the lyrics in later. Now you start with words. What happened to make language become the starting point?
Paul Jarmer: I’ve got a lot of experiences to write about. It’s therapeutic to write these lyrics down, record them and then “release them”.
Punk Head: You stepped away from music for years and have now returned with songs drawn directly from that period of your life. Does making music feel different now that you have something to lose again?
Paul Jarmer: Experiencing how horrific things can get and the idea of returning to that scares the shit out of me.
